Planet of the Grapes


‘I am a genius!’
Cried a scientist one day,
‘With my new invention,
The planet I’ll save!

‘I’ve tried to end world hunger,
I’ve done what I can,
Now I’ll make grapes
That are the size of a man!’

He picked up a laser gun,
That rested on a tray.
‘This device will splice this grape
With human DNA!

‘It’ll make the grape grow
It’ll feed a family of four,
And I’ll do it all,
Without help from Igor!’

He zapped the gun,
And the grape, how it grew,
But it gained a mouth,
Eyes and a nose too,

Its eyes looked around,
The nose, it was sniffing,
It looked like a purple Pac-man,
Crossed with Nick Griffin.

‘This isn’t right,’ said the scientist,
‘What gives?
You’re just supposed to be big,
You shouldn’t live!’

‘But I am alive,’ said the grape,
‘And now you must pay,
For what your kind has done,
For all the wine and puree!


‘We hate being eaten
Grapes are superior
To you stupid humans,
We’re much more cheerier,

We’re bright and we’re happier,
And we make no feces,
It is us that should be
Earth’s dominant species!’

Then the grape grew legs,
From its form sprung two arms,
With huge bulging hands,
Which he could use to do harm.

The Grape killed the scientist,
And stole his ray gun,
Then he shot more grapes,
‘Our conquest has begun!’

An army of grapes
Marched down the streets,
Rifles in their hands,
But then, ‘Look! What eats!’

Their reign lasted seconds,
Because although they had weapons,
The inevitable happened,
The human race ate them.

And that’s the story
Of how the evil grapes died,
And yes, genius, I know
The title was a lie.



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