A Visitor to my Haunted Home

This poem is a follow-up to my earlier poem My Haunted Home.


I’ve told you about my haunted home,
A creepy place where spectres roam,
A hanged man, a horse and a big skull head,
All three of which are my best friends,

Well, I have another pal,
A living human whose name is Sal,
I thought that he might like to see,
My ghostly little family,

So I had him meet the ghosts one day,
And he didn’t scream or run away,
He approached them and said, ‘You see,
I have some questions for you three.’

He turned to Emma, the ghostly horse,
He asked where the Headless Horseman was,
And why she wasn’t pulling a phantom hearse,
Hearing this made her quietly curse.

emma

‘Can’t I just be a spectral mare,
By myself with my back bare?’
‘No, a ghost horse should always have a rider,
She should have a haunting knight beside her.’

So with that, away Emma ran,
And Sal asked Jimmy, the hanging man,
‘That noose round your neck, doesn’t that hurt?’
‘You do know I’m a ghost, you berk?’

jimmythehangedman

‘Well,’ Sal asked, ‘what do you do?
Do you haunt those that wronged you?
Do you seek those who put you on that noose?’
‘No, actually I’d rather watch the news.’

Stan the skull said, ‘Okay, calm down,
I’ll make some food, I’ll make it now.’
His jaw slammed open and a pie came out,
Sal said, ‘I’m not eating that, it’s been in your mouth.

‘Besides, giant skulls shouldn’t be making pies,
You should float around and terrorise,
You should be scaring people for heaven’s sake,
Not in the kitchen baking cakes!

‘And besides, the pie smells bad!’
And hearing this made Stan quite mad,
So he breathed fire in Sal’s direction,
He ran and he asked no more questions.

After Sal left, I thought we should eat,
What came from Stan’s mouth, the tasty treat,
I, Stan, Jimmy and Emma as well,
We ate the pie cooked by the fires of Hell.

stanskulton

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Pizza Woman

pizzawoman

There’s a woman whose name is Lisa,
And she can never find peace,
She’s a woman whose head is a pizza,
And her body is made out of cheese,

Whenever anyone sees her,
They then try to munch on her face,
It’s very tough for poor Lisa,
When she wants to go visit a place,

Because of her bizarre condition,
She very often stays indoors,
If you go into her kitchen,
There’s tomato sauce stains all over the floor,

To her a cool house is nice,
She would melt if there was too much heat,
She lays out traps for mice,
To stop them from nibbling her feet.

In her safe home stays our Lisa,
To live a life that’s so lonely,
For she’s a woman whose head is a pizza,
With mozzarella and pepperoni.

Lerrs

You know, you shouldn’t drink so much of this stuff,’ laughed Louis as he scanned the four-pack of cola.

‘It’s not all for me,’ I replied, ‘You know how it is when the guys come over for movie night. Stuff just disappears.’

‘Yeah, but still. Drinking this stuff makes you feel like your insides are eroding.’

‘Well,’ I replied as I handed Louis my money and readied my shopping bag, ‘at least we aren’t getting drunk.’

‘Oh, come on, movie night is much more fun when everyone’s drunk!’

‘Whatever you say,’ I said as I shoved the four-pack into my bag, along with my milk and microwavable meals. After waving goodbye to Louis, I stepped out of the store and into the night.

It was midnight – with Louis’s store being the only place near my flat open – and I had work in the morning. Nighttime, however, was when I felt the most energetic, so I decided to take a stroll down the streets. There always did seem to be a beauty in the graffiti-covered walls illuminated by streetlamps.

Against one of these walls leaned a shadow. A shadow that immediately turned towards me and raised its arms, creating a pair of pseudo-bat-wings with its large black cape. It was a tall man, dressed in a smart black suit with a crimson waistcoat and cravat. He was completely bald, with pale skin and pointed ears, but his most noticeable feature were his elongated fangs, which he licked as he stared at me.

He beckoned me to come to him, and although I knew I shouldn’t have, I approached. ‘Join us,’ he hissed.

‘Oh, give it a rest,’ I said.

‘Come on,’ sighed the vampire, gesturing at my clothes, ‘you really go out in public dressed like that?’

‘I could say the same about you,’ I replied, looking over his outfit. ‘Ah, you got the real deal. Last lerr I saw was wearing a £25 Dracula costume from the party shop. I would say “at least you aren’t him” but it’s sad that you’re willing to spend so much on this farce.’

‘Farce?’

‘Yeah. And you got the Mr. Spock ears too? How much did your parents piss away on that?’

‘Parents? I am a child…’

‘…of the night, yeah, yeah. Bet you haven’t even drank any blood.’

With that, he covered himself in his cape and ran away.

Another lerr. That’s what we call them. A vampire who acts and dresses like the Hollywood stereotype. Most vampires try to live among humans discretely, but there are some that find the capes and tuxedos too tempting. Lerr, as in their idol Dracu-lerr. Lerr, as in but-lerr, for that’s how they dress. Like Alfred Pennyworth trying on his master’s cape.

If I had a penny for every one of them who tried to get me to act like them, I could probably afford their ridiculous clothes and ear modifications.

I ended my stroll early and returned home. There were no “guys” and there was no movie night; I guzzled down the cola myself. Drinking this stuff makes you feel like your insides are eroding, along with your bloodlust.

The Adventures of a Duck – FREE this weekend!

harrybook

Yes, from today until Sunday, you can pick up my latest Kindle eBook The Adventures of a Duck ABSOLUTELY FREE! Harry up there wants you to do so, and you don’t want to disappoint Harry, do you?

Anne is a nineteen-year-old girl studying at Doford University. She likes reading, video games, and wishes to be more confident and social.

She’s also a talking duck in a world ruled by animals, her boyfriend is a snake who’s also an aspiring horror writer, and she even ends up encountering real ghosts and monsters.

A selection of short stories about Anne the Duck and the weird world she inhabits.

This anthology includes A Duck and a Turtle, A Duck, a Snake and a Ghost and new stories about the adventures of Anne the Duck!

Pick up this Kindle book at any of the following links:

Amazon US
Amazon UK

 

NOW AVAILABLE – The Adventures of a Duck

annecover

Anne is a nineteen-year-old girl studying at Doford University. She likes reading, video games, and wishes to be more confident and social.

She’s also a talking duck in a world ruled by animals, her boyfriend is a snake who’s also an aspiring horror writer, and she even ends up encountering real ghosts and monsters.

A selection of short stories about Anne the Duck and the weird world she inhabits.

This anthology includes A Duck and a Turtle, A Duck, a Snake and a Ghost and new stories about the adventures of Anne the Duck! This book will also be available FREE from Friday 11th to Sunday 13th!

Pick up this Kindle book at any of the following links:

Amazon US
Amazon UK

My Haunted Home

There’s something special about my home,
For I do not live here alone,
This house is haunted by many a ghost,
And these are the people I hang out with the most,

There’s a spectral mare who has lots of fun,
Through the halls she likes to run,
And she can speak, this ghostly horse,
We like to chat while watching sports,

A hanged man’s corpse floats through the air,
Of current events he is very aware,
We often talk about the news,
Things more painful than his noose.

There’s a giant flying skull with flaming eyes,
And he likes to make us apple pies,
As well as lots of cakes and bread,
Using the oven that is his head,

These three ghosts I just told you about,
They watch as I write this poem out,
All of three of them shake their heads and say, ‘Shame,
Have you forgotten that we have names?’

(The horse is named Emma, the hanged man is Jimmy and the skull is Stan Skulton. I gave his full name because he’s got a cook book coming out, Brain Food: Using Your Head When Cooking)