You know, you shouldn’t drink so much of this stuff,’ laughed Louis as he scanned the four-pack of cola.

‘It’s not all for me,’ I replied, ‘You know how it is when the guys come over for movie night. Stuff just disappears.’

‘Yeah, but still. Drinking this stuff makes you feel like your insides are eroding.’

‘Well,’ I replied as I handed Louis my money and readied my shopping bag, ‘at least we aren’t getting drunk.’

‘Oh, come on, movie night is much more fun when everyone’s drunk!’

‘Whatever you say,’ I said as I shoved the four-pack into my bag, along with my milk and microwavable meals. After waving goodbye to Louis, I stepped out of the store and into the night.

It was midnight – with Louis’s store being the only place near my flat open – and I had work in the morning. Nighttime, however, was when I felt the most energetic, so I decided to take a stroll down the streets. There always did seem to be a beauty in the graffiti-covered walls illuminated by streetlamps.

Against one of these walls leaned a shadow. A shadow that immediately turned towards me and raised its arms, creating a pair of pseudo-bat-wings with its large black cape. It was a tall man, dressed in a smart black suit with a crimson waistcoat and cravat. He was completely bald, with pale skin and pointed ears, but his most noticeable feature were his elongated fangs, which he licked as he stared at me.

He beckoned me to come to him, and although I knew I shouldn’t have, I approached. ‘Join us,’ he hissed.

‘Oh, give it a rest,’ I said.

‘Come on,’ sighed the vampire, gesturing at my clothes, ‘you really go out in public dressed like that?’

‘I could say the same about you,’ I replied, looking over his outfit. ‘Ah, you got the real deal. Last lerr I saw was wearing a £25 Dracula costume from the party shop. I would say “at least you aren’t him” but it’s sad that you’re willing to spend so much on this farce.’


‘Yeah. And you got the Mr. Spock ears too? How much did your parents piss away on that?’

‘Parents? I am a child…’

‘…of the night, yeah, yeah. Bet you haven’t even drank any blood.’

With that, he covered himself in his cape and ran away.

Another lerr. That’s what we call them. A vampire who acts and dresses like the Hollywood stereotype. Most vampires try to live among humans discretely, but there are some that find the capes and tuxedos too tempting. Lerr, as in their idol Dracu-lerr. Lerr, as in but-lerr, for that’s how they dress. Like Alfred Pennyworth trying on his master’s cape.

If I had a penny for every one of them who tried to get me to act like them, I could probably afford their ridiculous clothes and ear modifications.

I ended my stroll early and returned home. There were no “guys” and there was no movie night; I guzzled down the cola myself. Drinking this stuff makes you feel like your insides are eroding, along with your bloodlust.


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