A Boo Ghoul Gore Shocktober

I am proposing a new rule,
For the entirety of October:

You, too, to, view, crew and all similar words will be replaced by “boo”.
Cry, by, fly, tie and all similar words will be replaced by “die”.
There, bear, ware, wear and all similar words will be replaced by “scare”.

All Knock Knock jokes will begin with “Shock Shock! Boo’s scare?”
When greeting each other, make sure to emphasise the first syllable of “Hello”.

To make it simple:
If a word rhymes with a word associated with Halloween,
That Halloween-associated word will replace it.
And Halloween itself will be renamed “Hell-Nooooo-Scream”.

Die hope boo underhand.
This boo ghoul gore Shocktober Die feel kill be success-skull.


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The Duchess

duchess

Step into my parlour,
Make yourself at home,
Share with me your woes and cares,
You don’t have to be alone,

I think a nice big bowl of soup,
Will really cheer you up,
It’s got lots of pepper,
Come on, sit and sup,

I know that you are troubled,
And your problems are big,
And I have a solution,
I’ll turn you into a pig!

Yes, I mean the animal,
Then life will be good,
You’ll spend all day eating,
And rolling around in mud,

No more responsibilities!
No more work or stress!
You’ll never have to clean again,
You’ll frolic in a mess!

But if you don’t like that idea,
Then it doesn’t matter,
You can talk to my best friend,
Known as the Mad Hatter!


Find out more about the Mad Hatter in the Recurring Character Index.

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A Poem About This Blog Being Three Years Old

Wow, I can’t believe it,
Today I’m turning three,
Where has all the time gone?
A fine birthday to me!

Yes, this is the voice of this blog,
And I’m speaking to you,
If we can have talking roller coasters,
Why not talking blogs too?

I can’t believe it’s been three years,
Since I was born onto the net,
And I’ve been sharing stories,
Of demons and ghosts since then,

(And yes, I do have nightmares,
Of things bizarre and strange,
Gareth, why can’t you write,
Something nice for a change?)

I’m glad that you came to visit,
That you came to read me,
It gets so lonely sometimes,
I could use some company.


Happy Third Birthday to The Weird Writings of Gareth Barsby!

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Dr Hen

This poem contains some violence


drhen

You wake up at night,
And you’re strapped to your bed,
You look up and see,
An inhuman head,

A gigantic hen looms over you,
Wearing goggles and gloves,
It’s Dr. Hen and she’s about,
To do the work she loves,

You try to scream, you try to move,
But you are not able,
She has you completely paralysed,
Your bed her operating table,

She cackles and she rubs her hands,
And you know it’s far too late,
When she pulls out a giant axe,
‘It’s time to operate!’

And then you tightly close your eyes,
And then you finally scream,
You wake up to see the sun,
Was it all a dream?

No it wasn’t, for you’ve changed;
You still have your arms and legs,
But the rest of you has transformed,
Into a giant egg!

You look into the mirror,
Humpty Dumpty stares back,
You suddenly feel nauseous,
As you hear a crack…


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The Toys’ Cinema

Remember how you used your toys,
To tell an epic story,
About plastic superheroes,
And their moments of glory?

They battled tiny armies,
And a giant teddy bear,
Saving cities made of blocks,
And flying through the air,

Well, when you put your toys away,
And when you grow old,
Don’t think that your stories,
Will never again be told,

For at the Toys’ Cinema,
They’re playing your creation,
Yes, there are entire films,
Formed from your imagination,

Your action figures were acting figures,
Starring in a show,
They’re big celebrities,
And to premieres they go.

Toys of all shapes and sizes,
Yellow and blue and green,
They flock to see your imagination,
Up on the silver screen.


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The Desert is All Ours

lizzards3

We crawl together in the sand,
There is so much we have planned,
The desert is all ours.

We sit down and braid our tails,
As the sun shines on our scales,
The desert is all ours,

This moment is such a delight,
But both of us await the night,
The desert is all ours,

For we both know, when the night falls,
The whole land becomes a ball,
The desert is all ours,

Under the stars, we dance and play,
That is how we end our day,
The desert is all ours.

It’s for us lizards to be free,
It was made for her and me,
The desert is all ours.


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A Dog in a Dungeon

Down in a dungeon,
I shiver and quake,
There’s nothing to do,
But think of my fate,

I’m just a dog,
A plain, simple hound,
I should be in a home,
Sitting safe and sound,

Yet because of something,
I was forced to do,
I was captured by a creature,
Now I’m really in a stew,

I never wanted to be a hunter,
I just wanted a nice home,
I didn’t want to help kill foxes,
I just wanted a nice bone,

But now I’m in a dungeon,
In a cell with so much locks,
Trapped in the dingy castle,
Of Fred the Vampire Fox!

Here he comes now!
And here are his brides!
There’s nowhere to run,
And nowhere to hide.

I beg for my life,
I plead and I cry,
‘I hate fox hunting!
Please don’t make me die!

‘The humans force me to do it,
They’re nasty and mean!
I hate working with them,
It feels so unclean!’

I tell my story to Fred,
And he breaks off my chains,
And promises to put,
An end to my pain,

He adopts me,
As his own pet,
Saying that loads of,
Tasty treats I’ll get,

And he’ll allow me to,
Always stuff my face,
And I’ll sit by,
A large fireplace,

I’d have a whole castle,
In which I could play,
Which I could guard,
During the day,

He gives me some biccies,
And a nice juicy bone,
And suddenly I know,
This is my new home.


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