Mr. Giraffe’s Butler


I’m Mr. Giraffe’s butler,
Hard-working as can be,
I have to use a step-ladder,
When I serve him tea,

When he listens to his gramophone,
To make sure he can hear,
All his favourite melodies,
I lift it to his ear,

I hold up his books,
So they can be read,
I put his hat,
On top of his head,

But the worst thing about,
This job, I’ve found,
Is cleaning the toilet,
When Mr. Elephant comes round.


A Monster Goes to the Seaside

There once was a monster,
A terrible beast,
Who decided one day,
He wanted a feast,

He left his dark cave,
And went outside,
And slowly he slithered,
Towards the seaside,

He leapt onto the sand,
And then looked about,
He got out his claws,
And opened his mouth,

The seaside-goers,
They did scream,
As the monster went,
And stole all their ice cream.


The Perfect Cheese

I’ve been scurrying from home to home,
Darting quickly to and fro,
Searching for the perfect cheese,

I’ve been looking day and night,
For what smells and tastes just right,
Searching for the perfect cheese,

Constantly I meet a cat,
It’s quite tough being a rat,
Searching for the perfect cheese,

I’ll never cease, I’ll never rest,
Humans won’t stop me in my quest,
To find the perfect cheese,

They try to stomp me with their feet,
But I’m too fast, I can’t be beat,
As I search for the perfect cheese,

I evade traps meant to cause pain,
But my search is not in vain,
I’ve found the perfect cheese!

Though the humans scream and shout,
I grab my prize, I take it out,
I have the perfect cheese!

Then I go and see another rat,
His name is Charles and he likes that,
I’ve got the perfect cheese.

So that night, him and I,
We both sit and watch the sky,
Sharing the perfect cheese.

A Christmas Poem for July

This poem features the return of the Lemon Possum, who previously appeared in The Lemon Possum, The Lemon Possum 2, The Lemon Possum’s Evil Easter, The Lemon Possum vs. Karl the Kangaroo, The Lemon Possum vs. Karl the Kangaroo Round 2, Cinderpizza and Derek in Wonderland.


You may think this too early,
But I’m not going to lie,
I’m rather impatient,
So I say this July:

Christmas is a time,
That’s really quite thrilling,
It’s beloved by many,
Even by villains,

For the Lemon Possum,
Was as bad as could be,
Yet she put up decorations,
Including a tree,

This was a holiday,
She found very sweet,
Especially since it had
Choccies to eat,

After decorating her home,
And her tree,
The Lemon Possum sat down,
To watch some TV,

On it was Santa,
Who said, ‘I’m too fat,
I can’t fit down chimneys,
And I flattened my cat!

‘So this Christmas Eve,
This I implore:
Don’t leave cookies or mince pies,
I don’t eat them anymore!’

And as soon as the possum,
Did hear it,
This announcement made her
Lose her Christmas spirit.

‘This is a problem,
I must fix of course,
I must bring a gift,
For dear Santa Claus!’

So when Christmas Eve came,
Into every home,
Came the Lemon Possum,
With a gift of her own,

No-one left out,
Any mince pies or treats,
But the Lemon Possum,
Conjured up tonnes of sweets,

By every fireplace,
By every tree,
Chocolate bars and sugar,
For Santa to see,

‘His diet will face some
For even Santa can’t
Resist this temptation!

‘I’ll make Santa,
Eat like a pig,
And then his belly will be,
Two sizes too big!’

Then came a sight,
That she didn’t find funny,
Santa accompanied,
By the Easter Bunny!

‘My friend has told me
All about you!
You’re very naughty,’ said Santa,
‘It’s true!

‘I knew you would try this,
I knew that you’d tempt,
And for that, Miss Possum,
I hold you in contempt!’

Santa had brought,
A little machine,
That shocked the possum,
And almost made her turn green,

The machine turned the sweets,
Into veggies and fruits,
Then Santa and the Bunny,
Gave the Possum the boot,

They kicked her down
A deep dark hole,
And they also gave her,
A lump of coal.

Return of the Ringmonster

Late one evening,
I went to the fair,
And went on the ghost train,
For a fun little scare,

I heard silly wails,
As I rode down the halls,
With cartoonish sheet ghosts,
Painted on the walls,

A vampire popped,
Out of his coffin,
But I wasn’t frightened,
In fact, I was laughing,

Then there came one monster,
And it wasn’t fake,
It was a living, breathing one,
Make no mistake,

He had a top hat,
And a coat that was red,
He had three eyes and sharp fangs,
And a very large head,

He jumped onto the track,
And made my car stop,
Then I saw more monsters,
In fact, I saw lots,

Several little demons,
Surrounding my car,
The three-eyed monster exclaimed,
‘Meet our show’s star!

‘I am the Ringmonster,
You can’t run or hide,
For I know the reason,
You went on this ride!

‘You wanted to laugh,
At monsters like me,
For you don’t think we’re real,
But we are, can’t you see?

‘Now that you know that
Monsters are true,
Maybe you’ll let us,
Stand and laugh at you!’

The ghost train wails were replaced,
With laughter and sneers,
And other noises,
That hurt my ears,

‘And here’s a bonus,’
Said the thing with three eyes,
‘For giving us a show,
I’ll give you a prize!’

With a wave of his whip,
A magical tool,
He brought life to the ride’s
Fake ghosts and ghouls,

As I saw the ghosts,
Who were no longer painted,
I didn’t laugh,
In fact, I fainted.

The Ringmonster previously appeared in The Ringmonster and The Nightmare Man.

The Mashed Potato Man

I was sitting and reading,
Comfy in my home,
When from downstairs,
I heard a sad moan,

I instantly ran,
Towards the front door,
And found mashed potatoes,
Lying on the floor,

More came from the keyhole,
And then more and more,
And soon they took on,
A humanoid form,

A mashed-potato-man,
Who looked like a ghost,
His hollow eyes and long mouth,
Were what scared me the most,

He moaned again,
And I froze in fear,
Desperately hoping,
He wouldn’t come near,

He didn’t, however,
He went to the kitchen,
A jar from the shelf was,
What he was fetching.

I then said to him,
‘I don’t know what you are,
But why come to my house,
And steal that jar?’

His answer left me,
Quite disgusted:
‘I think I’ll taste better,
With a bit of mustard.’


Witch Caff

I have a café,
At the end of the street,
Where you can have tea,
And cakes to eat,

I have plenty of customers,
They come every day,
But it wasn’t always this popular,
It wasn’t always this way,

When this café first opened,
Barely anyone came,
And I didn’t have a regular
Customer to my name,

Every day, I’d bake cakes,
And make lots of treats,
Only to be greeted,
With mostly empty seats,

Then one day,
All of that changed,
I got a regular customer,
One who was strange,

She wore a pointed hat,
And her skin was bright green,
And every day at a table,
She would be seen.

‘This is a fine place,
I love coming here,’ said she,
‘More people should sit down,
And have a cup of tea.’

She then raised her arms,
And she cast a spell,
Soon I had lots of customers,
Ones who paid well,

Goblins and trolls,
Demons from Hell,
I not only serve tea and coffee,
But bubbling blood as well.