A Zombie on Halloween

Halloween is a night,
When you dress up and seek treats,
It’s also said to be,
When the undead walk the streets,

It’s like in the stories,
It’s like in the movies,
The dead rise from their graves,
And you see tonnes of zombies,

Well, here’s something I’m going,
To share with you,
Those legends are only,
Partly true.

I was walking back home,
From a party,
And I saw a single,
Solitary zombie.

It had large eyes,
And an exposed brain,
And when it saw me,
It howled in pain,

It stumbled towards me,
But I froze in place,
I couldn’t help but,
Stare at its face.

It didn’t want to kill me,
Or eat my flesh or bones,
It was a zombie kitty cat,
Who just wanted a home.

So I adopted the zombie cat,
And I think he’s wonderful,
Just, please don’t ask me,
What I put in his foodbowl.

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A Pumpkin Complains Through Haiku

When you carve my face,
Please don’t give me angry eyes,
I’m no pessimist.

When you give me eyes,
I want to have pupils too,
Not just triangles.

I want big sharp fangs,
Not just a few chunky teeth,
Put round here and there.

Yes, they are scary,
But please don’t carve into me,
A politician.

If you don’t carve me,
And just put stickers on me,
I’d rather be pie.

The Shower Snake

showersnake

If you haven’t bathed in a while,
And you really smell,
That awakes a creature,
That looks like it came from Hell,

It looks like a snake,
With a silver shower head,
He’ll spray you with water,
And then you’ll be drenched,

The Shower Snake, the Shower Snake,
He seeks anything unclean,
Then he sprays with water,
All the dirty things he’s seen.

So if you’ve been out for a run,
And built up quite a sweat,
Out leaps the Shower Snake,
Who’ll then get you all wet,

If you go to the great outdoors,
And get covered in mud,
The Shower Snake’ll spring from a bush,
And he’ll get you good.

The Shower Snake, the Shower Snake,
He seeks anything unclean,
Then he sprays with water,
All the dirty things he’s seen.

One man told me, ‘The Shower Snake,
He really brings me fear.
Because once he came up to me,
And went right in my ear,

‘He actually went into my head,
And it caused me pain,
He slithered into my head,
And he sprayed my brain.’

A Visitor to my Haunted Home

This poem is a follow-up to my earlier poem My Haunted Home.


I’ve told you about my haunted home,
A creepy place where spectres roam,
A hanged man, a horse and a big skull head,
All three of which are my best friends,

Well, I have another pal,
A living human whose name is Sal,
I thought that he might like to see,
My ghostly little family,

So I had him meet the ghosts one day,
And he didn’t scream or run away,
He approached them and said, ‘You see,
I have some questions for you three.’

He turned to Emma, the ghostly horse,
He asked where the Headless Horseman was,
And why she wasn’t pulling a phantom hearse,
Hearing this made her quietly curse.

emma

‘Can’t I just be a spectral mare,
By myself with my back bare?’
‘No, a ghost horse should always have a rider,
She should have a haunting knight beside her.’

So with that, away Emma ran,
And Sal asked Jimmy, the hanging man,
‘That noose round your neck, doesn’t that hurt?’
‘You do know I’m a ghost, you berk?’

jimmythehangedman

‘Well,’ Sal asked, ‘what do you do?
Do you haunt those that wronged you?
Do you seek those who put you on that noose?’
‘No, actually I’d rather watch the news.’

Stan the skull said, ‘Okay, calm down,
I’ll make some food, I’ll make it now.’
His jaw slammed open and a pie came out,
Sal said, ‘I’m not eating that, it’s been in your mouth.

‘Besides, giant skulls shouldn’t be making pies,
You should float around and terrorise,
You should be scaring people for heaven’s sake,
Not in the kitchen baking cakes!

‘And besides, the pie smells bad!’
And hearing this made Stan quite mad,
So he breathed fire in Sal’s direction,
He ran and he asked no more questions.

After Sal left, I thought we should eat,
What came from Stan’s mouth, the tasty treat,
I, Stan, Jimmy and Emma as well,
We ate the pie cooked by the fires of Hell.

stanskulton

Pizza Woman

pizzawoman

There’s a woman whose name is Lisa,
And she can never find peace,
She’s a woman whose head is a pizza,
And her body is made out of cheese,

Whenever anyone sees her,
They then try to munch on her face,
It’s very tough for poor Lisa,
When she wants to go visit a place,

Because of her bizarre condition,
She very often stays indoors,
If you go into her kitchen,
There’s tomato sauce stains all over the floor,

To her a cool house is nice,
She would melt if there was too much heat,
She lays out traps for mice,
To stop them from nibbling her feet.

In her safe home stays our Lisa,
To live a life that’s so lonely,
For she’s a woman whose head is a pizza,
With mozzarella and pepperoni.

My Haunted Home

There’s something special about my home,
For I do not live here alone,
This house is haunted by many a ghost,
And these are the people I hang out with the most,

There’s a spectral mare who has lots of fun,
Through the halls she likes to run,
And she can speak, this ghostly horse,
We like to chat while watching sports,

A hanged man’s corpse floats through the air,
Of current events he is very aware,
We often talk about the news,
Things more painful than his noose.

There’s a giant flying skull with flaming eyes,
And he likes to make us apple pies,
As well as lots of cakes and bread,
Using the oven that is his head,

These three ghosts I just told you about,
They watch as I write this poem out,
All of three of them shake their heads and say, ‘Shame,
Have you forgotten that we have names?’

(The horse is named Emma, the hanged man is Jimmy and the skull is Stan Skulton. I gave his full name because he’s got a cook book coming out, Brain Food: Using Your Head When Cooking)

One Day I Saw A Robot

One day I saw a robot,
Who had a big square head,
As well as pointed rusted fangs,
And eyes glowing bright red,

He was quite a big robot,
He stood about eight feet tall,
And when he came into the room,
He burst right through the wall.

Slowly he approached me,
And let loose a loud roar,
He grabbed me with his right hand,
For his left hand was a claw,

He looked at me and growled and snarled,
‘I’m going to kill you!’
Then the robot added,
‘Well, how did I do?’

I could only sigh at him,
‘Sorry, you failed the test.
You weren’t all that scary,
And you didn’t give your best.

‘I don’t see you scaring heroes,
Their spines you won’t be chilling!’
The robot then said, ‘Fine!
I’ll look for another supervillain!

‘I wonder if Dr. Meow is hiring…’