The Ringmonster

ringmonster

If it’s a cold, dark night,
And you’re taking a stroll,
And you hear a voice crying,
‘Roll up, roll…’

And you see a strange figure,
One green and fat,
With a red jacket,
And a big top hat,

And little demons follow him,
Wherever he may go,
Then you’ve met the Ringmonster,
And you’re the star of his show.

‘Come and see the human,’
The Ringmonster often cries,
‘If you get real close you can,
See the fear in their eyes!

‘Look at the human,
How it runs away!’
Yes, you might try and run
But his show is here to stay.

The Ringmonster has a circus,
And it is your town,
His audience will laugh at you,
For they see you as a clown.

The Lemon Possum’s Evil Easter

possumandmoose

This poem features the Lemon Possum, who has previously appeared in these two poems.

Late on Holy Saturday night,
In a deep, dark wood,
Around a bubbling cauldron,
A pink-furred creature stood,

He had large antlers,
Resting on his head,
He also looked like yoghurt,
Made from a fruit that’s red,

He was planning something bad,
Evil he’d let loose,
For he was a nasty monster,
He was the Strawberry Moose!

‘Midnight draws near,’
He said with narrowed eyes,
‘And when it comes, that is when
My mistress will arise!’

Midnight came, Easter Sunday,
From the cauldron came a claw,
The Moose’s spell had worked,
The Lemon Possum lived once more!

‘Oh, Strawberry Moose, you did it,’
She said with a toothy grin,
‘Now that I’ve been resurrected,
Our reign of terror can begin!

‘It’s the perfect time for our attack,
For it’s Easter Day,
Let us travel far and wide,
And bring forth tooth decay!’

So the Lemon Possum and the Strawberry Moose,
Went from home to home,
Stuffing each full of mountains of chocolate,
Along with cake and ice-cream cones.

‘Come sunrise, everyone
Will proceed to stuff their face,
And I, the Lemon Possum,
Will rule the human race!’

She laughed at this idea,
Which she found so funny,
Then she and the Moose,
Ran into the Easter Bunny!

‘Ah, the Easter Bunny,
Like us, you give out sweeties,’
Said the Possum, ‘Join us,
And we’ll give all di…’

 ‘No!’ cried the rabbit,
‘I’m not like you at all!
The amount of sweets I give out
Is relatively small!

‘Besides I don’t always
Munch on chocs and sweets,
Most of the time I prefer
A different kind of treat!’

He conjured up a carrot,
And then he conjured more,
The Possum and Moose screamed,
‘This is something we abhor!’

They were scared,
So they ran away,
But they’ll be back,
Another day,

So eat your Easter eggs,
After the bunny’s been,
But don’t forget, after that
Be sure to eat your greens.

The Easter Bunny’s a Mad Scientist

madscientisteasterbunny

The Easter Bunny’s a mad scientist,
Who works in a mad lab,
True, there he makes chocolate,
Eggs for kids to grab,

But there’s other things he makes,
He looks for a new way,
To deliver the sweets to kids,
On Easter Sunday,

One year he made robots,
To give eggs to boys and girls,
But they all went haywire,
And tried to rule the world,

That might have been a failure,
But he’s got something new this year,
A new and efficient way,
To spread chocolate far and near,

For just last month,
He paid a visit to a farm,
In order to create a monster,
That would have a festive charm,

He grabbed a big fat hen,
And fed her a strange potion,
The hen, she shook and clucked and screamed,
Then there was an explosion,

The Easter Bunny laughed in glee,
At the creature he did make,
The hen still had an avian head,
But her body was like a snake.

She was also a giant,
Sporting dragon wings,
She now sported twenty legs,
And little spiky things,

But how can this creature,
Do the Easter Bunny’s job?
Well, she now can shoot
Easter Eggs out of her gob.

So the night before Easter,
Before you go to bed,
Open your bedroom window,
For soon a big hen head,

Will poke through and barf Easter eggs,
All over the floor,
(Though seeing that, you may not
Want to eat them anymore).

Fred the Vampire Fox

fredthefox

There once was a fox,
His name was Fred,
He didn’t eat chickens,
But he’d feast instead,

Upon human beings
For he sucked their blood,
Yes, Fred was a vampire,
Which he thought was good,

Vampires can’t go out,
During the day?
Fred thought, well,
I’m nocturnal anyway.

Most foxes live in holes,
Fred lived in a castle,
And when fox hunters,
Would cause his kind hassle,

He’d invite them to his home,
And take them inside,
But only so he could
Feed them to his brides,

Fred’s reign of terror,
Was well-known by all,
From the humans so big,
To the mice that were small,

Something else knew as well,
And it made him mad,
He marched towards Fred,
Who cried, ‘This is bad!’

For this certain something,
Was bigger and stronger,
Than Fred who couldn’t
Stay around for much longer,

So away flew Fred,
Gone for all time,
Terrified by a werewolf,
The scarier canine!

The Singing Snake

I have a pet snake,
He’s scaly and green,
He may hiss and eat mice,
But he’s not at all mean,

In fact, we’re best friends,
We’re pals, him and me,
I take his tank to the sofa,
So we can watch TV.

We watch nail-biting dramas,
And we watch comedies,
But there’s one type of show,
That’s very special indeed.

We watch music shows,
We watch rock and roll bands,
We watch people singing,
As the crowd clap their hands,

When we watch those shows,
My snake sings along too,
If you heard his voice,
It would enchant you,

Using a branch as his mic,
He sings many a song,
He has them all memorised,
He doesn’t get the words wrong.

So I entered him into
A talent show,
Put him on stage,
So everyone would know,

He was just as good as
The biggest of bands,
He sang in front of everyone,
And he got lots of fans.

A little too many,
I might add,
Because then something happened,
Which was rather bad,

The day after the show,
My house was invaded,
My windows were broken,
And the kitchen was raided,

Thousands and thousands,
Of snakes in my abode,
All fans of my pet,
Who they loved a load.

The lady snakes all loved him,
They thought he was nice,
The crowds all gave him their food,
Mountains of dead mice.

I’m glad that so many creatures,
Love and adore my pet,
It’s just a shame that in my own home,
I have to watch my step.

A Wolf’s Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I don’t want you to bring me victims,
For I faint at blood and gore,
I never kill prey myself,
I buy meat at the store,

I want a woolly jumper,
But I don’t want sheep to kill,
People think that’s what I want,
They think that’s my only skill,

I want DVDs of my favourite shows,
The ones I think are good,
I don’t want three little pigs,
Or Red Riding Hood,

People say what I want from you,
Are poor souls to rip apart,
But I’m not a mindless evil killer,
I’m nice and fairly smart,

You sent me coal last year,
And that made me sad,
Because I assure you it’s just a rumour,
That I’m big and bad.

Christmas with Danny the Camel and Julie the Rat

This story features two characters from my book Barking Benjamin, a dancing camel who escaped from a circus and a rat who is an aspiring musician. This is not canon with the book, however.

dannycamel

It was nearly Christmas,
It would come really soon,
Yet Danny the camel,
Was feeling quite blue.

He had Christmas spirit,
Indeed he had that,
But no gift for his best friend,
Julie the rat.

What to get her, he thought,
Would should I give?
I gotta have something
To surprise her with.

He had no money,
And couldn’t go the store,
But would they have what
A rat would be looking for?

Maybe a new guitar,
thought he, that would be a good plan,
but then again, I can’t make one,
I don’t have any hands.

He walked along a road,
Thinking and thinking,
When he came up blank,
His stomach was sinking.

Just then he saw something
Lying on the ground,
A half-eaten chocolate bar,
That’s what he found.

He picked it up with his mouth,
But he didn’t eat,
Just then, Julie arrived,
And said, ‘What a feast!’

julierat

She ate it all up,
And gave Danny a kiss,
‘Thank you, my friend,
What a wonderful gift!

‘Now to give you my present,
Do with it as you please!’
What was Danny’s present?
An old lump of cheese.